Tag Archives: music

Sad Songs; they say so much

I like sad songs.  Once could almost say I collect them.  They’re comfortable; they feel like a part of me.  The more primal and raw the emotion in the singers voice the better.  Tonight a collected a new favorite.  I’ll link it at the end of the post.

I sometimes think that my natural state is sad.  I take antidepressants and maintain a (mostly) cheerful attitude for those around me.  No one likes to deal with a sad man.  But when I can bury myself in a sad song, lose myself to it, it feels like home.

Do not misunderstand me, I have a great life.  I have a wonderful wife and child that both make me very happy.  I am surrounded by a loving family and amazing friends.  I don’t have to “act” happy around them; it comes naturally around them.  Even that honest happiness, though, is exhausting.  That joy doesn’t feel like my ground state, it requires excitation (if you’ll excuse the chemistry analogy).  “Normal”, if there is such a thing, is sad.

Some people think that sounds awful, I’m sure.  I don’t.  I’m okay with being sad.  Most people, my wife included I’m sure, don’t understand that.  I feel creative and alive when I’m sad.  As an example, since I started focusing on the people who make me happy, I’ve quit writing creatively.  I miss that part of me, but it was something I gave up in order to keep those I care about.

Some days I feel like my happy life is a fleeting thing that will be stripped from me.  Almost like some plot arch.  I wrote, I lost writing and gained family and friends and happiness, then I lose it all and go on to write some special thing that solves a plot dilemma or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a half formed thought.  I don’t know how to fully put it in to words.  Just that I feel that at some point I will lose it all.  Maybe that’s the sad songs speaking, though.

Anyways, as promised, my new favorite sad song:  Sound of Silence by Disturbed

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Filed under Depression, life, Philosophy, Writing

Breakfast Club

So, because this is fabulous, and I think it deserves some attention, I present to you: Breakfast Club by Z-Trip.  A friend of a friend linked this the other day and I stumbled across it and have been listening to it repeatedly since.

Warnings:

1)Some profanity and veiled adult content

2)This is nostalgia, wrapped in hip hop.  So, if you didn’t watch cartoons in the 80s, it likely won’t be nearly as fun for you as it is for me.

All that said, enjoy:

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“I’m Mr Lonely”

Feeling lonely today.  Don’t know why.  Wish I could stay in bed, cuddled with my wife all day listening to melancholy music.  Just one of those days.

Unfortunately child, and then work must be taken care of.  So, at work I am.  Listening to Counting Crows and already counting the hours until i get to go home.  Not that I think home will solve it.  But it does have a better chance than work.  <shrug>

On the up side, at least vday is almost here.  I’ve had things hidden from my wife for a month now and will finally get to put them out.  It’s hard to keep things away from her at all, let alone this long.

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Filed under life, Work

Music

Music has always been a big part of my life.  I’ve played music, studied music, written music, and of course, listened to a lot of music.  Something occurred to me today about music, though.  It’s something I think I’ve known intuitively but occurred to me consciously on my drive in to work today.

I was driving in, and a song came on the radio that I wasn’t familiar with.  It had kind of a catchy tune, but no vocals at the beginning.  But something was holding me back from really getting in to it.  Then the vocals kicked in and I recognized the band as one I liked, and it let me freely get in to the song, tapping my foot and bobbing my head like a fool.  I felt the ‘trust’ switch flip in my head.  We’ve all heard those songs that start of good, but then degrade in to a pile of audio offal.  You feel so let down.  I think it builds in a defense mechanism.  Unless you are consciously looking for new music, it’s hard to trust a new song to be be what it appears until you are a ways in to it unless you have some form assurance(a friend’s recommendation, a known artist, a good review, something).  It’s an interesting concept, and I think I’m going to start paying more attention to my reactions to new music.  See if I can’t let myself “warm up” to songs faster.

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Gray Days

I suffer from depression, but I rarely feel depressed.  I talk to my doc about my rage, which surprises most people.  He says, though, that men frequently manifest depression as anger.  I’m a very laid back, friendly and easy going guy for the most part.  Off my meds, though, I get so angry I can barely control myself.  My first sting in anger management was in kindergarten, but it wasn’t until jr high that I was ever medicated.  As much as I hate relying on medication, it at least lets me be the person I really am, instead of consumed by anger.

While I rarely feel truly depressed, melancholy days are not uncommon.  I don’t know how often the average person feels melancholy, but it feels like I get those days more often than most.  I don’t mind them, though.  For lack of a better way to phrase it, they feel comfortable.  They seemed to be the norm during my teen years, and when they show up now it’s just very familiar.  It’s when I feel most like writing.  If they showed up more often, still, then I might have gone in to writing professionally.  Instead, as I’ve aged and they’ve tapered off, so has my writing, so that will not come to pass.  <shrug>

I think of these days as “gray days”.  They aren’t the black bleak depressing days, they’re just…. gray.  I like gray.  I tend to spend these days listening to a lot of music.  Mostly counting crows, though I also pull out a pretty eclectic collection of other music.  Mumford and Sons, Christina Peri, Pink, Blue October.  Oh man does Blue October hit the spot on those days.  It’s not uncommon for that man’s voice to bring me to verge of tears.

Today is a gray day.  I wish I could spend all day with a computer just focused on creating.  I guess that’s what it really is, not just writing, but creating; pouring forth emotion.  It’s just that writing is how I typically do that.  My wife hates these days because I tend to be overly touchy and cuddly.  Not that she doesn’t enjoy a good cuddle, but there’s a limit somewhere that these days don’t even notice as they blow past.

These days also make me miss living on the coast.  Seattle whether is just right for these days.  Grey clouds and rain, the brisk feel that permeates the air that close to the water.  Luckily, today is like that here, so that’s good (for me, anyways, my wife hates the rain).  It’s amazing how satisfying it feels when the weather matches your mood.

I swear I had a focus when I began this post, but whatever direction I was going for is long lost.

update – wow, 10 posts.  that’s a record for me blogging.  woot.

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