I like sad songs. Once could almost say I collect them. They’re comfortable; they feel like a part of me. The more primal and raw the emotion in the singers voice the better. Tonight a collected a new favorite. I’ll link it at the end of the post.
I sometimes think that my natural state is sad. I take antidepressants and maintain a (mostly) cheerful attitude for those around me. No one likes to deal with a sad man. But when I can bury myself in a sad song, lose myself to it, it feels like home.
Do not misunderstand me, I have a great life. I have a wonderful wife and child that both make me very happy. I am surrounded by a loving family and amazing friends. I don’t have to “act” happy around them; it comes naturally around them. Even that honest happiness, though, is exhausting. That joy doesn’t feel like my ground state, it requires excitation (if you’ll excuse the chemistry analogy). “Normal”, if there is such a thing, is sad.
Some people think that sounds awful, I’m sure. I don’t. I’m okay with being sad. Most people, my wife included I’m sure, don’t understand that. I feel creative and alive when I’m sad. As an example, since I started focusing on the people who make me happy, I’ve quit writing creatively. I miss that part of me, but it was something I gave up in order to keep those I care about.
Some days I feel like my happy life is a fleeting thing that will be stripped from me. Almost like some plot arch. I wrote, I lost writing and gained family and friends and happiness, then I lose it all and go on to write some special thing that solves a plot dilemma or something. I don’t know. It’s a half formed thought. I don’t know how to fully put it in to words. Just that I feel that at some point I will lose it all. Maybe that’s the sad songs speaking, though.
Anyways, as promised, my new favorite sad song: Sound of Silence by Disturbed