Tag Archives: Gray Days

Sad Songs; they say so much

I like sad songs.  Once could almost say I collect them.  They’re comfortable; they feel like a part of me.  The more primal and raw the emotion in the singers voice the better.  Tonight a collected a new favorite.  I’ll link it at the end of the post.

I sometimes think that my natural state is sad.  I take antidepressants and maintain a (mostly) cheerful attitude for those around me.  No one likes to deal with a sad man.  But when I can bury myself in a sad song, lose myself to it, it feels like home.

Do not misunderstand me, I have a great life.  I have a wonderful wife and child that both make me very happy.  I am surrounded by a loving family and amazing friends.  I don’t have to “act” happy around them; it comes naturally around them.  Even that honest happiness, though, is exhausting.  That joy doesn’t feel like my ground state, it requires excitation (if you’ll excuse the chemistry analogy).  “Normal”, if there is such a thing, is sad.

Some people think that sounds awful, I’m sure.  I don’t.  I’m okay with being sad.  Most people, my wife included I’m sure, don’t understand that.  I feel creative and alive when I’m sad.  As an example, since I started focusing on the people who make me happy, I’ve quit writing creatively.  I miss that part of me, but it was something I gave up in order to keep those I care about.

Some days I feel like my happy life is a fleeting thing that will be stripped from me.  Almost like some plot arch.  I wrote, I lost writing and gained family and friends and happiness, then I lose it all and go on to write some special thing that solves a plot dilemma or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a half formed thought.  I don’t know how to fully put it in to words.  Just that I feel that at some point I will lose it all.  Maybe that’s the sad songs speaking, though.

Anyways, as promised, my new favorite sad song:  Sound of Silence by Disturbed

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Filed under Depression, life, Philosophy, Writing

In which I wish I could channel my high-school self

Another day, another dolor.  I got to work this morning.  I shut off my car, put my sunglasses away and turned to grab my bag and stopped.  I just sat there and stared at my bag.  I just couldn’t bring myself to grab it and walk in.  I probably sat there for 5 minutes before I put it together and got moving.

I normally enjoy my job, so this sense of “meh” regarding coming in is not something I’m accustomed to.  Really, it wasn’t even coming in to work that froze me up.  It was just the idea of doing anything.  Even crawling back in to bed wasn’t really appealing.  I think I wanted to just turn the car back on and drive.  Just go.

I crack a window and feel the cool air cleanse my every pore As I pour my poor heart out to a radio song that’s patient and willing to listen” – Eve6, Open Road Song

To make it all worse, this morning I’m having a horrible time coming up with the words to express any of this.  I’ve been wishing I could channel my high-school self as he never had that problem.  It’s almost all he ever did was write, write, write.  Especially about how he was feeling.  Lost that somewhere along the way.

 

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“I’m Mr Lonely”

Feeling lonely today.  Don’t know why.  Wish I could stay in bed, cuddled with my wife all day listening to melancholy music.  Just one of those days.

Unfortunately child, and then work must be taken care of.  So, at work I am.  Listening to Counting Crows and already counting the hours until i get to go home.  Not that I think home will solve it.  But it does have a better chance than work.  <shrug>

On the up side, at least vday is almost here.  I’ve had things hidden from my wife for a month now and will finally get to put them out.  It’s hard to keep things away from her at all, let alone this long.

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Happiness is a friendly hug

There is nothing wrong with today.  It’s been a decent day at work.  I’m feeling okay.  My current meds seem to be working great.  I just can’t cheer up for some reason.  I’m sad because my wife isn’t feeling well, but she’s on the mend and seems to be doing pretty good today.  I just can’t get with it.  Really, I’m so full of “I don’t care” today, that I’m having a hard time finding enjoyment in anything.

So, I found this.  It brought a smile to my face, and hopefully it will give you one, too.

The Nicest Place on the Internet

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It’s the Holiday Season

I’m a couple days late, but happy Wear Star Wars, Share Star Wars day!

Merry Christmahanakwanzikus.  Whatever your religious beliefs/dis-beliefs, I hope you enjoy your holidays.

We’ll be celebrating Christmas in a fairly traditional manner.  Gonna have the parents over from both sides, with the lack of the Mother-in-law being a painful exception.  For the wife and I, this will be our first Christmas as a family of three, which is pretty darned exciting.  The son has gotten pretty mobile, so I’m looking forward to having him running around between people and climbing on legs, drooling on everything and all around being a happy, nearly 9 month old little boy.  The thought of it really fills my heart with joy.  I know this Christmas won’t be one that he remembers, but it makes the whole thing feel more complete.

We have chosen to not give in to commercialism and buy a bunch of crap for our son that he won’t really use/remember/care about this year.  We did buy him one gift.  It’s as much for us as for him, though.  A CD player to put in his room.  Also has an alarm clock on it, so with luck it will last long enough to be of value as an alarm clock for him.  We like to play music for him, but the player we’ve been using is umpteen years old and doesn’t work so well anymore.  spend way to much time fighting it.  So, reduce stress for parents and make it easier to play music for the kiddo.  win / win.

I’m looking forward to having all these people together for Christmas this year.  I’m sad that my sister is in Tennessee this year, cause having her and her husband would have this even better.  I’ve got this “classic Christmas” image in my head that I know I won’t quite come to be; I’m more practical than that.  I am, though, looking forward to cooking a great Christmas dinner.  I’ve been searching and putting together a menu for the meal, which my wife doesn’t understand.  There is something special to me about this Christmas, and I want to cook a special meal for it.  That’s okay, though, she doesn’t have to understand what’s driving me for it, she’s being mostly accommodating and that’s enough.

Despite my excitement for Christmas, I’ve been a bit on the down side lately.  Marital stress, mostly.  My wife has been having some emotional issues that we’re trying to straighten out and she spends a lot of time worrying and working on so many things that I feel like I fall to the wayside some times.  Like there’s never enough time for us to spend together as a couple rather than as parents or cohabitants working on fixing a budget/house/whatever.  All these things are important.  These are things that must be done.  It’s just that working on our relationship is important, too and always seems to be shoved to the back burner. A common complaint for new parents, I know, so I’m trying not to give it too much attention, but it still eats at me, especially on my Gray Days, when I’m extra emotional.  Le sigh.

 

As a side note: I broke 20 posts!  yay!  This is the longest I’ve managed to stick with a blog before.

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Filed under life, Marriage, Parenting

3 days and counting

ack!  3 days till my birthday.  I’m starting to get depressed about it.  Damn it, I have enough issues on the depression front, don’t need any help, lol.  I’m kind of afraid I’m gonna be disappointed.  Which seems ridiculous since I’m not really expecting much.  Wifey and I will be going out for dinner and a movie.  We’ve got a babysitter lined up.  Nothing major and I’m good with that.  The last thing I want is some big party.  But really, how can you be disappointed when you have no expectations?  Irrational, yes.  But I can’t seem to shake it.  I know my wife will come through, though.  She always does when it matters.

Irrational or not, there it is.  Unfortunately, I’ve started a new project at work that is leaving me with much more time to dwell on it.  Don’t get me wrong, the project is good, but since it’s in it’s infancy, it’s not used a lot so I have a lot of down time.  Which, as usual, leaves me time to dwell on what’s bothering me, which brings me down.

Need to go pull up some music…

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Gray Days

I suffer from depression, but I rarely feel depressed.  I talk to my doc about my rage, which surprises most people.  He says, though, that men frequently manifest depression as anger.  I’m a very laid back, friendly and easy going guy for the most part.  Off my meds, though, I get so angry I can barely control myself.  My first sting in anger management was in kindergarten, but it wasn’t until jr high that I was ever medicated.  As much as I hate relying on medication, it at least lets me be the person I really am, instead of consumed by anger.

While I rarely feel truly depressed, melancholy days are not uncommon.  I don’t know how often the average person feels melancholy, but it feels like I get those days more often than most.  I don’t mind them, though.  For lack of a better way to phrase it, they feel comfortable.  They seemed to be the norm during my teen years, and when they show up now it’s just very familiar.  It’s when I feel most like writing.  If they showed up more often, still, then I might have gone in to writing professionally.  Instead, as I’ve aged and they’ve tapered off, so has my writing, so that will not come to pass.  <shrug>

I think of these days as “gray days”.  They aren’t the black bleak depressing days, they’re just…. gray.  I like gray.  I tend to spend these days listening to a lot of music.  Mostly counting crows, though I also pull out a pretty eclectic collection of other music.  Mumford and Sons, Christina Peri, Pink, Blue October.  Oh man does Blue October hit the spot on those days.  It’s not uncommon for that man’s voice to bring me to verge of tears.

Today is a gray day.  I wish I could spend all day with a computer just focused on creating.  I guess that’s what it really is, not just writing, but creating; pouring forth emotion.  It’s just that writing is how I typically do that.  My wife hates these days because I tend to be overly touchy and cuddly.  Not that she doesn’t enjoy a good cuddle, but there’s a limit somewhere that these days don’t even notice as they blow past.

These days also make me miss living on the coast.  Seattle whether is just right for these days.  Grey clouds and rain, the brisk feel that permeates the air that close to the water.  Luckily, today is like that here, so that’s good (for me, anyways, my wife hates the rain).  It’s amazing how satisfying it feels when the weather matches your mood.

I swear I had a focus when I began this post, but whatever direction I was going for is long lost.

update – wow, 10 posts.  that’s a record for me blogging.  woot.

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