Tag Archives: Depression

Sad Songs; they say so much

I like sad songs.  Once could almost say I collect them.  They’re comfortable; they feel like a part of me.  The more primal and raw the emotion in the singers voice the better.  Tonight a collected a new favorite.  I’ll link it at the end of the post.

I sometimes think that my natural state is sad.  I take antidepressants and maintain a (mostly) cheerful attitude for those around me.  No one likes to deal with a sad man.  But when I can bury myself in a sad song, lose myself to it, it feels like home.

Do not misunderstand me, I have a great life.  I have a wonderful wife and child that both make me very happy.  I am surrounded by a loving family and amazing friends.  I don’t have to “act” happy around them; it comes naturally around them.  Even that honest happiness, though, is exhausting.  That joy doesn’t feel like my ground state, it requires excitation (if you’ll excuse the chemistry analogy).  “Normal”, if there is such a thing, is sad.

Some people think that sounds awful, I’m sure.  I don’t.  I’m okay with being sad.  Most people, my wife included I’m sure, don’t understand that.  I feel creative and alive when I’m sad.  As an example, since I started focusing on the people who make me happy, I’ve quit writing creatively.  I miss that part of me, but it was something I gave up in order to keep those I care about.

Some days I feel like my happy life is a fleeting thing that will be stripped from me.  Almost like some plot arch.  I wrote, I lost writing and gained family and friends and happiness, then I lose it all and go on to write some special thing that solves a plot dilemma or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a half formed thought.  I don’t know how to fully put it in to words.  Just that I feel that at some point I will lose it all.  Maybe that’s the sad songs speaking, though.

Anyways, as promised, my new favorite sad song:  Sound of Silence by Disturbed

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Filed under Depression, life, Philosophy, Writing

Frustrated Incorporated

I’ve been having gum pain the past week.  Pretty sure it’s due to overuse of ibuprofen.  I’m not just popping them willy nilly, doc recommended that I take 600/day.  This doesn’t exceed the limit listed on the bottle, so it seems reasonable.  I am, though, not the first person I know to have gums issues related to ibuprofen.  I’ve been off it for a couple days now and it’s improving drastically.  However, still have that constant pain and it’s been eating at my nerves.  Afraid to take anything for the pain for fear of making it worse again.  Argh!

Sleep has also been elusive of late.  Combination of the pain, my wife’s sudden bout of extreme snoring and a restless child has made a good night’s sleep something I can only fantasize about.

Get to go to a movie with our potential girl early next week, so that should be fun.  Not that I think I’ll bring anything up about it then.  I don’t want it to look like I’m going behind my wife’s back.  It’s likely that’s something I can only fantasize about, too, lol.

So, nothing major.  Nothing horrible.  The continuing pain just makes me easily frustrated.  I’m sure the change in meds doesn’t help, either.  Been back on the Welbutrin for not quite a week now, so that should start kicking in soon, I hope.  Though, it can take a while to really see effect.  Man, I should have just not bothered trying to find something else in the first place.

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Filed under Depression, life, Marriage, Movies, relationship

Go Crazy? Don’t mind if I do!

Been off the antidepressants for a several days now.  Luckily, I don’t have the intense rage that I was dealing with before (though I suppose it could still return), but I’m filled with a continuing sense of discontent.  I’m restless and frustrated and there is very little that I’m actually interested in doing.  Though my wife definitely appreciated the restlessness last night when I did the dishes, cleaned all the bottles, emptied the cat box and took out the trash.  So, at least there’s an upside there.

We also made yesterday an outing day.  Went out to Powell’s Candy Shoppe, which is always a dangerous proposition.  It’s hard to go in there without spending a lot of money… I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth, but when I see something that looks as good as that, it’s hard to resist.  We also checked out a specialty soda store.  We bought 8 different types of soda to try out.  We’ve tried 1 so far and wasn’t terribly impressed.  Hopefully the rest will turn out better.  Then we hit the mall, where we had a lot of fun.  My son got his first real look at an escalator, which he found extremely fascinating.  So I stood with him and let him ride it up and back down.  The awe on his face was beautiful.   Of course, then he ran back to ride again…  He also discovered the concept of going under things when we went to get me some new jeans (my ‘good’ jeans now have holes in the knees) and I went in to the changing room.  In and out and in and out under the door he went.  Gave the wife a good laugh.  Finally, we also went to our malls play land with him for the first time.  This gave him more opportunity to go under things, which he took great joy in doing.  Then, after I put him on the slide and took him down that a few times, he figured out how to climb up the stairs to it and then climbed down the slide.  I was very impressed, though hardly surprised that he’s climbing so well.  He is a little monkey like his daddy.

Still haven’t figured out how to approach our lady friend.  Really don’t want to make things awkward and screw up the friendship.  As much as I’d like to have her as more, the friendship is much more important.

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Long time no post

So, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  According to my wife, I do better when I am blogging then when I’m not, so I’m back!  Gonna make an effort to keep at it.  Don’t really know why I lapsed so long, just kind of happened.

So, what’s changed in this time?  Well, my antidepressant has pretty much stopped working.  Might go so far as to say that it is now making things worse.  Makes me feel like I’ve fallen in to a big pool of “meh”.  Just don’t care.  So, that’s not healthy.  Also, the whole unable to get off side effect that the other antidepressants caused is now kicking in with this one.  Doing some research, I find out that it’s a common side effect of SSRIs.  Loverly.  So, just last night I stopped taking them.  I’m just about out anyways.  I’ve decided to give up on trying to find an alternative and am going to go back to Wellbutrin.  I’ll just need to find a way to take them consistently in the mornings.  Difficult, but for the sake of my sanity and my marriage, it needs to happen.

I’ve started twittering.  I’m not a very active twit, but it’s nice for short shouts in to the void.  Which, my twitter account primarily is since I’ve only got all of 3 followers, one of which is my wife.  If you’re interested: @wookie1120 is me.  The primary use of twitter for me is to follow a couple of feeds.  Following most of the cast of Leverage as well as Nathon Fillion and D&D’s feed.  My wife also turned me on to @voraciousbrain, who is a real blast.  Part science/nerdy interests, part nymphomaniac.

AarDice has hit 97 downloads and then just dropped off.  No sales now in over a week.  So close to 100 but it just won’t move on!  Ha!  Oh well.  Work on the next app has kind of come to a standstill while I’ve been filled with don’t give a shit, so hopefully that will pick up as I get off this med.  It’s close to done, I just need to give it the last push and get a hold of publishers to get their Onyx feeds.

The wife has again brought up the idea of me sleeping with another woman.  I’m always of mixed opinion when she does this.  On the one hand, what man hwo’s been married for nearly a decade doesn’t have some interest in sleeping with another woman?  Honestly?  On the other hand, I married my wife for a reason, and rather enjoy sex with her.  There’s also the aspect of finding another woman we trust and who I’m attracted to who is willing to sleep with me.  This part is actually already taken care of this time, at least in part.  We have a woman we’ve been spending a fair amount of time with lately who fits the criteria, except we don’t know if she’s interested in sleeping with me.  She’s a lot of fun to hang out with and her friendship is valuable enough that we don’t want to lose it, which makes it hard to figure out how to bring it up to her.  I mean, how do I ask a woman to sleep with me without making it awkward if she’s not interested?

I’m on summer break for school which is nice.  As expected, I did very well in my java class.  Finished the english class.  I think this if the first time I’ve ever not gotten an A in an english class, and I really don’t care.  I despised that teacher and am just glad to be done with it.  I was going to take a class over the summer, but it’s homework load was too high for me to deal with while also working full time and raising a child, so it will wait for a full semester some time.  I’m not overly heart broken.  It’s kind of nice to have some time off.

My  son continues to develop well.  He’s not quite as much the happy baby he once was.  I blame the fact that he doesn’t communicate well.  Since he has hearing issues, his speech is slowed and I think he’s frustrated about not being able to communicate.  Hopefully his surgery will help with that.  Speaking of the surgery, it was supposed to be a couple weeks ago, but he was horribly sick at the time (rotavirus), so it was pushed off.  We don’t have a new date yet, but I’m expecting some time in July.

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Trapped

I’ve been feeling trapped of late; like I’m in a cage and chained to the bars.  I don’t particularly know why this is, but it’s been eating away at me.  I’ve been trying to write this post for a week, but haven’t been able to really get it out.  I don’t even know what it is I feel trapped by, or what I want to do to “free” myself, which makes it even more irritating.  It’s not like I have much to complain about in my life. I have a good job, a loving wife, a healthy baby and great friends.  I can put food on my table and pay my bills, with the exception of the recent major roof repair we’re having done.  Even in that case, though, we have friends who have been able to help us.  I mean really, life is good.

So why do I feel trapped?  I guess I can’t really just pack up and go at the drop of a hat, but I’ve never been that guy anyways(as much as I always say I want to be).  Still, we take weekend trips a few times a year.  That’s more than many can manage.  I suppose it could be the whole married thing, but I’ve had that going for 8ish years now.  Child perhaps?  I don’t know.  Whatever it is, I’m feeling restless and don’t know how to solve it.  

Have I ever mentioned that I solve problems for a living?  I also do it for fun.  It’s what I do.  I solve problems.  The fact that I have no clue how to fix this one drives me nuts and feels like a a spiral to an insanity filled Hell.

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Well Bugger

Antibiotics don’t appear to be working.  The pain has gone away, which is a huge relief, but the lump remains.  Ultrasound on Friday.  Hurrah.

Here come the worries, again.

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In which I wish I could channel my high-school self

Another day, another dolor.  I got to work this morning.  I shut off my car, put my sunglasses away and turned to grab my bag and stopped.  I just sat there and stared at my bag.  I just couldn’t bring myself to grab it and walk in.  I probably sat there for 5 minutes before I put it together and got moving.

I normally enjoy my job, so this sense of “meh” regarding coming in is not something I’m accustomed to.  Really, it wasn’t even coming in to work that froze me up.  It was just the idea of doing anything.  Even crawling back in to bed wasn’t really appealing.  I think I wanted to just turn the car back on and drive.  Just go.

I crack a window and feel the cool air cleanse my every pore As I pour my poor heart out to a radio song that’s patient and willing to listen” – Eve6, Open Road Song

To make it all worse, this morning I’m having a horrible time coming up with the words to express any of this.  I’ve been wishing I could channel my high-school self as he never had that problem.  It’s almost all he ever did was write, write, write.  Especially about how he was feeling.  Lost that somewhere along the way.

 

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“I’m Mr Lonely”

Feeling lonely today.  Don’t know why.  Wish I could stay in bed, cuddled with my wife all day listening to melancholy music.  Just one of those days.

Unfortunately child, and then work must be taken care of.  So, at work I am.  Listening to Counting Crows and already counting the hours until i get to go home.  Not that I think home will solve it.  But it does have a better chance than work.  <shrug>

On the up side, at least vday is almost here.  I’ve had things hidden from my wife for a month now and will finally get to put them out.  It’s hard to keep things away from her at all, let alone this long.

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Happiness is a friendly hug

There is nothing wrong with today.  It’s been a decent day at work.  I’m feeling okay.  My current meds seem to be working great.  I just can’t cheer up for some reason.  I’m sad because my wife isn’t feeling well, but she’s on the mend and seems to be doing pretty good today.  I just can’t get with it.  Really, I’m so full of “I don’t care” today, that I’m having a hard time finding enjoyment in anything.

So, I found this.  It brought a smile to my face, and hopefully it will give you one, too.

The Nicest Place on the Internet

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Post Holiday Cheer

I love my family, but I’m glad the holidays are over.  Time to destress for a couple of weeks before school starts.  I’m feeling quite chipper today.  It’s a nice change from the norm.  Whether that’s because we finally got my meds right or due to changes at home, I don’t know.  Either way, I like it.

Christmas went well.  Everyone had a very good time.  Dinner was a success (even if the creme for my strawberries refused to thicken).  Got some fun stuff and my wife was happy with what I got her so I’m happy with it.  The son had a blast playing with boxes and wrapping paper, as expected.  His favorite gift, though, is a little stuffed bear (maybe 3 inches tall) which sings when you squeeze it’s belly.  It’s only got one song (though I can’t remember what it is now) and is rather high pitched, but the look on his face as it goes and he swings it around is worth it.

As usual, we didn’t get a white Christmas.  Though we did have some snow two days later.  Not much, just enough to make the grass white and cause dozens of accidents.  It’s a sign, though, that #winteriscoming.    Surprisingly, this morning was beautiful.  I mean, it was far from warm, but it was so much warmer than it has been that it felt wonderful, and a light bit of rain (which I always love).

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