Category Archives: life

Sad Songs; they say so much

I like sad songs.  Once could almost say I collect them.  They’re comfortable; they feel like a part of me.  The more primal and raw the emotion in the singers voice the better.  Tonight a collected a new favorite.  I’ll link it at the end of the post.

I sometimes think that my natural state is sad.  I take antidepressants and maintain a (mostly) cheerful attitude for those around me.  No one likes to deal with a sad man.  But when I can bury myself in a sad song, lose myself to it, it feels like home.

Do not misunderstand me, I have a great life.  I have a wonderful wife and child that both make me very happy.  I am surrounded by a loving family and amazing friends.  I don’t have to “act” happy around them; it comes naturally around them.  Even that honest happiness, though, is exhausting.  That joy doesn’t feel like my ground state, it requires excitation (if you’ll excuse the chemistry analogy).  “Normal”, if there is such a thing, is sad.

Some people think that sounds awful, I’m sure.  I don’t.  I’m okay with being sad.  Most people, my wife included I’m sure, don’t understand that.  I feel creative and alive when I’m sad.  As an example, since I started focusing on the people who make me happy, I’ve quit writing creatively.  I miss that part of me, but it was something I gave up in order to keep those I care about.

Some days I feel like my happy life is a fleeting thing that will be stripped from me.  Almost like some plot arch.  I wrote, I lost writing and gained family and friends and happiness, then I lose it all and go on to write some special thing that solves a plot dilemma or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a half formed thought.  I don’t know how to fully put it in to words.  Just that I feel that at some point I will lose it all.  Maybe that’s the sad songs speaking, though.

Anyways, as promised, my new favorite sad song:  Sound of Silence by Disturbed


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Filed under Depression, life, Philosophy, Writing

My father is dying.

We’ve known it for a while now.  I may have even posted about it before now, though I don’t recall for sure and can’t be buggered to go back and check.  However, things are getting worse and I fear this may be his last holiday season.

I’m not extremely close to my father, like my wife was with her mother who passed several years ago.  I don’t know if that makes it easier or harder, honestly.  I suppose I won’t truly know until my mother passes.  On the one hand, it’s not as big of a direct impact, if that makes any sense.  I don’t speak with my father nearly as often or see him as frequently.  I don’t rely as much on his counsel.  However, there’s the guilt.  I spent a lot of time angry at my dad.  He was unfaithful to my mother for a long time and when I found out, it hurt a lot.  Seeing the pain in my mother made me hate him for years.  They reconciled and I eventually forgave him, but those are now lost years.  Years I’ll never be able to get back.

There’s also the guilt of not being closer to him.  He is my father, after all.  My male role model.  Sure we’ve had our bonding times.  We used to go up and cut wood every weekend.  Those day trips with just the two of us were good.  He helped me as a cub scout and was so proud when I got my Arrow of Light.  He was always there when I needed him most.  But as I got older, we grew apart and stopped doing much of anything together.  I suppose that happens with teens.  It’s just hard to deal with now.

In the past few years, especially since I’ve been married, we’ve connected more.  I still don’t have the knowledge to talk with him about cars and guns, and forget about politics, but we’ve found other things we can connect over.  TV and Movies, knives, the zompocalypse and family.  It’s great to see the way he looks at my son.  It’s horrible to think that they’ll never really get to know each other.  I only hope that I can honor my father’s memory and be there for him as well my dad was for me.

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Filed under life, Parenting, Philosophy

Manual Labor

I enjoy manual labor.  I know that’s nearly blasphemous for a geek to say, but it’s true.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d hate to have a job that requires it or have to do it frequently, but as an occasional thing, it’s great.  I spent my Friday emptying and disassembling a steel shed in my back yard.  Now, it’s been a pretty good little shed.  It was there when my parents bought the house 25 years ago and has held up well until this last fall, when the weight of the leaves and branches and water on it collapsed the roof.  Having disassembled and emptied it, I feel really good.  I enjoyed the work while I was doing it; being able to get something done without putting a lot of thought in to it.  The feel of having accomplished it.  The sore muscles for a few days after are both bitter and sweet.  All around, good times.  Now, Tuesday I get to build the replacement shed.  Looking forward to it.

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Not a Father’s Day post.

Though I do want to give a quick thank you to my father, my wife’s father, and all the other fathers out there doing their best to be the best dad they can be for their kids.

I realized that I never gave an update after the “date” this week.  We went and saw Avengers in 3D.  It was awesome as expected.   The movie loses nothing in the second viewing.  3D doesn’t add anything super amazing to the movie, though there are some gorgeous 3D shots in there and there isn’t the kind of motion blurring you get in a lot of 3D movies, so props to them for that.

The “date” went well.  We had fun, chatted a bit about work and houses and dogs and kids.  Nothing at all about moving beyond friends was brought up; like I said in prior posts, don’t want it to seem like I was going behind the wife’s back.  While I knew it was definitely the wrong time to bring it up, that didn’t make it any less tempting to do so.  Le sigh.  The list of things we want but can’t have is always long.

In unrelated news, I finally broke down and started watching Glee.  I entirely blame my brother-in-law.  He posted that amazing video from Glee for Smooth Criminal which prompted me to check out some other videos of musical performances from Glee, which prompted me to start watching the first season.  Man does it not make me miss high-school.  The DRAMA!  The music is awesome, though.

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Filed under life, Marriage, Movies

Frustrated Incorporated

I’ve been having gum pain the past week.  Pretty sure it’s due to overuse of ibuprofen.  I’m not just popping them willy nilly, doc recommended that I take 600/day.  This doesn’t exceed the limit listed on the bottle, so it seems reasonable.  I am, though, not the first person I know to have gums issues related to ibuprofen.  I’ve been off it for a couple days now and it’s improving drastically.  However, still have that constant pain and it’s been eating at my nerves.  Afraid to take anything for the pain for fear of making it worse again.  Argh!

Sleep has also been elusive of late.  Combination of the pain, my wife’s sudden bout of extreme snoring and a restless child has made a good night’s sleep something I can only fantasize about.

Get to go to a movie with our potential girl early next week, so that should be fun.  Not that I think I’ll bring anything up about it then.  I don’t want it to look like I’m going behind my wife’s back.  It’s likely that’s something I can only fantasize about, too, lol.

So, nothing major.  Nothing horrible.  The continuing pain just makes me easily frustrated.  I’m sure the change in meds doesn’t help, either.  Been back on the Welbutrin for not quite a week now, so that should start kicking in soon, I hope.  Though, it can take a while to really see effect.  Man, I should have just not bothered trying to find something else in the first place.

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Filed under Depression, life, Marriage, Movies, relationship

Go Crazy? Don’t mind if I do!

Been off the antidepressants for a several days now.  Luckily, I don’t have the intense rage that I was dealing with before (though I suppose it could still return), but I’m filled with a continuing sense of discontent.  I’m restless and frustrated and there is very little that I’m actually interested in doing.  Though my wife definitely appreciated the restlessness last night when I did the dishes, cleaned all the bottles, emptied the cat box and took out the trash.  So, at least there’s an upside there.

We also made yesterday an outing day.  Went out to Powell’s Candy Shoppe, which is always a dangerous proposition.  It’s hard to go in there without spending a lot of money… I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth, but when I see something that looks as good as that, it’s hard to resist.  We also checked out a specialty soda store.  We bought 8 different types of soda to try out.  We’ve tried 1 so far and wasn’t terribly impressed.  Hopefully the rest will turn out better.  Then we hit the mall, where we had a lot of fun.  My son got his first real look at an escalator, which he found extremely fascinating.  So I stood with him and let him ride it up and back down.  The awe on his face was beautiful.   Of course, then he ran back to ride again…  He also discovered the concept of going under things when we went to get me some new jeans (my ‘good’ jeans now have holes in the knees) and I went in to the changing room.  In and out and in and out under the door he went.  Gave the wife a good laugh.  Finally, we also went to our malls play land with him for the first time.  This gave him more opportunity to go under things, which he took great joy in doing.  Then, after I put him on the slide and took him down that a few times, he figured out how to climb up the stairs to it and then climbed down the slide.  I was very impressed, though hardly surprised that he’s climbing so well.  He is a little monkey like his daddy.

Still haven’t figured out how to approach our lady friend.  Really don’t want to make things awkward and screw up the friendship.  As much as I’d like to have her as more, the friendship is much more important.

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Long time no post

So, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  According to my wife, I do better when I am blogging then when I’m not, so I’m back!  Gonna make an effort to keep at it.  Don’t really know why I lapsed so long, just kind of happened.

So, what’s changed in this time?  Well, my antidepressant has pretty much stopped working.  Might go so far as to say that it is now making things worse.  Makes me feel like I’ve fallen in to a big pool of “meh”.  Just don’t care.  So, that’s not healthy.  Also, the whole unable to get off side effect that the other antidepressants caused is now kicking in with this one.  Doing some research, I find out that it’s a common side effect of SSRIs.  Loverly.  So, just last night I stopped taking them.  I’m just about out anyways.  I’ve decided to give up on trying to find an alternative and am going to go back to Wellbutrin.  I’ll just need to find a way to take them consistently in the mornings.  Difficult, but for the sake of my sanity and my marriage, it needs to happen.

I’ve started twittering.  I’m not a very active twit, but it’s nice for short shouts in to the void.  Which, my twitter account primarily is since I’ve only got all of 3 followers, one of which is my wife.  If you’re interested: @wookie1120 is me.  The primary use of twitter for me is to follow a couple of feeds.  Following most of the cast of Leverage as well as Nathon Fillion and D&D’s feed.  My wife also turned me on to @voraciousbrain, who is a real blast.  Part science/nerdy interests, part nymphomaniac.

AarDice has hit 97 downloads and then just dropped off.  No sales now in over a week.  So close to 100 but it just won’t move on!  Ha!  Oh well.  Work on the next app has kind of come to a standstill while I’ve been filled with don’t give a shit, so hopefully that will pick up as I get off this med.  It’s close to done, I just need to give it the last push and get a hold of publishers to get their Onyx feeds.

The wife has again brought up the idea of me sleeping with another woman.  I’m always of mixed opinion when she does this.  On the one hand, what man hwo’s been married for nearly a decade doesn’t have some interest in sleeping with another woman?  Honestly?  On the other hand, I married my wife for a reason, and rather enjoy sex with her.  There’s also the aspect of finding another woman we trust and who I’m attracted to who is willing to sleep with me.  This part is actually already taken care of this time, at least in part.  We have a woman we’ve been spending a fair amount of time with lately who fits the criteria, except we don’t know if she’s interested in sleeping with me.  She’s a lot of fun to hang out with and her friendship is valuable enough that we don’t want to lose it, which makes it hard to figure out how to bring it up to her.  I mean, how do I ask a woman to sleep with me without making it awkward if she’s not interested?

I’m on summer break for school which is nice.  As expected, I did very well in my java class.  Finished the english class.  I think this if the first time I’ve ever not gotten an A in an english class, and I really don’t care.  I despised that teacher and am just glad to be done with it.  I was going to take a class over the summer, but it’s homework load was too high for me to deal with while also working full time and raising a child, so it will wait for a full semester some time.  I’m not overly heart broken.  It’s kind of nice to have some time off.

My  son continues to develop well.  He’s not quite as much the happy baby he once was.  I blame the fact that he doesn’t communicate well.  Since he has hearing issues, his speech is slowed and I think he’s frustrated about not being able to communicate.  Hopefully his surgery will help with that.  Speaking of the surgery, it was supposed to be a couple weeks ago, but he was horribly sick at the time (rotavirus), so it was pushed off.  We don’t have a new date yet, but I’m expecting some time in July.

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I’ve been feeling trapped of late; like I’m in a cage and chained to the bars.  I don’t particularly know why this is, but it’s been eating away at me.  I’ve been trying to write this post for a week, but haven’t been able to really get it out.  I don’t even know what it is I feel trapped by, or what I want to do to “free” myself, which makes it even more irritating.  It’s not like I have much to complain about in my life. I have a good job, a loving wife, a healthy baby and great friends.  I can put food on my table and pay my bills, with the exception of the recent major roof repair we’re having done.  Even in that case, though, we have friends who have been able to help us.  I mean really, life is good.

So why do I feel trapped?  I guess I can’t really just pack up and go at the drop of a hat, but I’ve never been that guy anyways(as much as I always say I want to be).  Still, we take weekend trips a few times a year.  That’s more than many can manage.  I suppose it could be the whole married thing, but I’ve had that going for 8ish years now.  Child perhaps?  I don’t know.  Whatever it is, I’m feeling restless and don’t know how to solve it.  

Have I ever mentioned that I solve problems for a living?  I also do it for fun.  It’s what I do.  I solve problems.  The fact that I have no clue how to fix this one drives me nuts and feels like a a spiral to an insanity filled Hell.

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Breakfast Club

So, because this is fabulous, and I think it deserves some attention, I present to you: Breakfast Club by Z-Trip.  A friend of a friend linked this the other day and I stumbled across it and have been listening to it repeatedly since.


1)Some profanity and veiled adult content

2)This is nostalgia, wrapped in hip hop.  So, if you didn’t watch cartoons in the 80s, it likely won’t be nearly as fun for you as it is for me.

All that said, enjoy:

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St Baldrick’s

So, I did some fundraising for charity.  This is not something I normally do.  I’ll give money to charity, or donate goods to charity, but I rarely give my time to charity and this is the first time since boy scouts that I’ve raised money for charity.  I’ve never been very good at it.  However I had fantastic success this time.  Also, I had a good time at the actual event.

St Baldrick’s raises money for research in to childhood cancer.  I volunteered to be a Shavee, meaning that I got on stage at a major concert house and let them shave my head.  Over the last several weeks, I’ve convinced people to sponsor me and managed to raise nearly $400.  Considering I figured I’d be lucky to raise $50, I’m very excited about that.

Getting on stage and letting them shave my head was kind of cool.  Honestly, though, losing all my hair isn’t a big loss.  I mean, there’s a lot of identity that goes along with being a red head and so not having the red hair is kind of striking in that regard, but it’ll grow back and it’s not like I had long flowing locks or anything.  On the other hand, the man sitting next to me on stage had beautiful hair down to the middle of his back.  So, not only did he shave all that for this event, he was also able to donate all that hair to Locks of Love, too.  Above and beyond that, though, were the women getting their heads shaved.  I mean, a man having a shaved head isn’t unusual.  Whether it be because he’s losing his hair or just for fashion, it’s fairly normal.  But a woman with a shaved head is entirely different.  Outside of Sinéad O’Connor, you mostly only see women wish shaved heads if there is something wrong.  So seeing these young women with long hair step forward with the courage to do this was very inspiring.

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